If I stop flirting then I am dead —Ramona Singer.
Since my last break up, I have read a few books, participated in dating groups with a coach, listened to hilarious podcasts and conferred with wise friends. I’m here to share the notes I’ve taken specifically for online dating, may it be of benefit.
Put your thinking caps on. Go for a walk. Nature. When you are ready, take pen to paper and ruminate on, *attraction of shared values* in a partner. What would that look like for you? What values are important to you? What values do you find attractive in another? Be present. Scribble about what really matters. Then make a refined list of 3-5 non-negotiables in a partner, your deal breakers so to speak. These can be positive or negative—must haves and/or must have not.
An example of a non-negotiable on my list that I have clarified this year is, must have a strong sense of purpose. Ambitious direction in the career / why-am-I-alive realm, is there nothing sexier?
Allow exceptions to physical “types”, remain open and curious, and with the safety of the non-negotiables list keeping you in check, experiment.
You may have read about creating a “funnel”. The idea of this is to create a 3 tier system with potential relationships. Ranging from the foundational layer of casual friends you flirt with, to the maybes, to the very strong potential candidates. With a funnel system you will be receiving attention, care, concern, and it keeps your cup full and prevents attaching / pressuring.
From G.L Lambert:
Second guessing, waves of emotion, are part of the process.
Don’t text too much.
And don’t write full blown sexual novels.
There are lessons in rejection. Some people are brought into your life to remind you that you still have work to do.
Filter Questions (especially for the ladies): This is very important!!! After some small talk/ witty banter but *before you exchange phone numbers*, filter, filter, filter! Value your time by knowing the important stuff. Make this playful, tell them you have some questions for them and if you like the answers you’ll leave your number tomorrow, etc… If it’s not a match you can thank them for their time but say you don’t think you’re a match, all the best! Save these questions to an easily accessible place on your phone.
Where do they work?
Where were they raised? Both parents? Siblings?
When was their last relationship?
What does their typical day look like?
What is their skill set?
Do they drink, smoke etc?
Who are their friends?
What their weekends look like?
What their hobbies are?
There is no need for more than a few sentences about who you are and what you are looking for. Be bold, be bright, be brief. Use 3-4 photographs taken within the last 6 months, where you look great and like your badass self.
Book recommendations for women:
Any book written by G.L Lambert
Book recommendations for men:
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida (the chapters are like one page long, it’s so good).
Man School: Relating with Women in the #MeToo Era by Matthew Solomon
Ladies let them impress you:
1. You are a high value woman, fun, vibrant and full of life.
2. Other matches are possibly on the scene and might be enjoying your company.
3. You are thinking about them and wish they were enjoying life with you.
Meditate every day. Own your shit. Have fun!